Aries

March 21 – April 19

The twinks have been feasting on well vodka and shredded lettuce this Pride.  They’ve drunk all the vodka in town, and you’re just dying for a martini. They’ve even gone through all the Blanchards reserve which is surprising cause as my grandfather used to say, “That drink will put hair on your chest.” Find me a hairy-chested twink I dare you! This month, be open to new things like alcoholic seltzer and body hair.

 

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are tired, Taurus, so it’s time to take a minute and breathe. All your earth mothers in JP have told you to end things with Courtney. Take the dog and sell the SUV.  You’ve been processing with Courtney for a month straight and you’re still not “closer to fine.”

 

Gemini

May 21-June 20

Life can be overwhelming and will sometimes leave you frazzled. Your depression has you reverting into a sad teenage queer. You’ve been Netflix-binging on Vampire Diaries and screaming at your roommate Franny like she was your unaccepting stepfather.  Take a spiritual trip into the Arboretum and reconnect with nature. You might see beautiful flowers, some fairies in really tight jeans, or just that hot bear that works somewhere on Centre Street. Follow your bliss down whichever path it leads (but also please be careful crossing the JWay). It’s bear season honey, so go hunting.

 

Cancer

June 21- July 22

It’s no secret that you are the most unpredictable of all the signs and, let’s face it, no one wants to celebrate Pride Month with crabs – AM I RIGHT? This month throw caution to the wind and see what happens. Maybe you’ll catch up on reading or maybe you’ll be frantically looking for someone to go home with at last call at Queeraoke at the Midway. Live a little.

 

Leo

July 23 – August 22

You got a burning bush, baby, cause lets face it- being a fire sign is real! This month, love is in the air (and in the hair down there for most of us) This month get wet and wild and let a water sign try to put out that fire. Let a Pisces slip their way into that giant hole (in your heart).

 

Virgo

August 23- September 22

We know you love order, Virgo, but Stonewall wasn’t a peaceful gathering.  It was a riot.  This month, be that angry queer that threw the first stone. Don’t be afraid to start a fire, break a window, and throw caution to the wind.

 

Libra

September 23- October 22

Your scales are yet again out of balance, and the spirits are telling us that it all starts with your wardrobe. Get it together, Libra. Please stop buying every bit of rainbow paraphilia you see, cuz big corporations have your pink dollar on lockdown. We get it. You’re a huge bottom who likes to stand out in a crowd. But your glittery flame is flickering so fast you’re giving us all seizures. The rainbow is made up of a spectrum of colors, so pick one or two.  You can’t be the whole damn flag.

 

 

Scorpio

October 23- November 21

You’re mentally and physically exhausted. You’re trying to figure out how to go to the Dyke March, Dyke March after-party, wake up for Pride, party, and get brunch with the boys before you hit the Dyke Bloc Party in JP. A WOMXN CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH! Take some time to smell the roses and most likely drink some water. Also, you said last Pride you were breaking up with Carol (we’re waiting)

 

 

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You love to play with fire, and camping season is upon us. It’s also a great way to ask out that hot butch you’ve seen fixing the espresso machine at Diesel. Brenda warned you not to date a Leo (seriously what does Brenda know?) but you can’t resist the potential explosion.

 

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’re power-bottoming your way through metro Boston and we applaud you. Your bubbly personality and thirst for meeting new people and experiences can’t be quenched. Take this month to try something new.

Aquarius

Jan. 20- Feb 18

“I woke up with a torn a**hole and now I know who my real friends are.” These were the haunting last words of our Aquarius spirit friend, Randy.  Listen, we all know that Aquarius is ruled by Uranus but this pride let someone else’s anus rule you! Randy says to take heed: CONSENT IS KEY, but so is lube so get slippery and Astroglide into those planets, you know?

 

 

Pisces

Feb 19 – Mar 20

You’ve not been very proud lately. Maybe you should start your own parade called Shame. We are being facetious. No one wants to march down Boylston Street blaring Smiths B-sides with banners that say “I Don’t Care” or “It Doesn’t Get Better.” Prove your Catholic Republican uncle wrong. You are not “going to live a miserable life of sin and never find happiness.” Don’t worry, we have a witch spell for him. Make today the day it gets better.

meet your mystics:

Mistress Crystal Ball aka Coco Roy is a local artist and musician. She has been a long time contributor to the compass and a even longer collaborator with Casey Spec.

Casey and Coco have been making art together for 16 years and don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. When she is not spiritually guiding the city Coco can be seen singing in Electric Street Queens.
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Cassandra Spec aka Casey Spec is a painter, writer, video, and performance artist. The work he creates is a strange, sad, and beautiful theatrical analysis of human tragedy.  In his work, life is comical, dramatic, and heartbreaking.  Casey Spec builds a soap-opera world of characters marred by smudged mascara, cigarette breath, and social ineptitude.  Though loud and needy, they are never as important as what surrounds them.
He is a storyteller – he turns everyday life into a theater of the absurd.  His art is a celebration of human imperfection while being as gritty and cheap as a VHS tape. You can check out the rest of his work on www.lifeisgross.com as well as is recently released “Queef a Novel”.

The post WITCH SIGN ARE YOU? HOROSCOPES FROM MADEMOISELLE CASSANDRA SPEC AND MISTRESS CRYSTAL BALL appeared first on BOSTON HASSLE.

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