March 21 – April 19
The twinks have been feasting on well vodka and shredded lettuce this Pride. They’ve drunk all the vodka in town, and you’re just dying for a martini. They’ve even gone through all the Blanchards reserve which is surprising cause as my grandfather used to say, “That drink will put hair on your chest.” Find me a hairy-chested twink I dare you! This month, be open to new things like alcoholic seltzer and body hair.
April 20 – May 20
You are tired, Taurus, so it’s time to take a minute and breathe. All your earth mothers in JP have told you to end things with Courtney. Take the dog and sell the SUV. You’ve been processing with Courtney for a month straight and you’re still not “closer to fine.”
May 21-June 20
Life can be overwhelming and will sometimes leave you frazzled. Your depression has you reverting into a sad teenage queer. You’ve been Netflix-binging on Vampire Diaries and screaming at your roommate Franny like she was your unaccepting stepfather. Take a spiritual trip into the Arboretum and reconnect with nature. You might see beautiful flowers, some fairies in really tight jeans, or just that hot bear that works somewhere on Centre Street. Follow your bliss down whichever path it leads (but also please be careful crossing the JWay). It’s bear season honey, so go hunting.
June 21- July 22
It’s no secret that you are the most unpredictable of all the signs and, let’s face it, no one wants to celebrate Pride Month with crabs – AM I RIGHT? This month throw caution to the wind and see what happens. Maybe you’ll catch up on reading or maybe you’ll be frantically looking for someone to go home with at last call at Queeraoke at the Midway. Live a little.
July 23 – August 22
You got a burning bush, baby, cause lets face it- being a fire sign is real! This month, love is in the air (and in the hair down there for most of us) This month get wet and wild and let a water sign try to put out that fire. Let a Pisces slip their way into that giant hole (in your heart).
August 23- September 22
We know you love order, Virgo, but Stonewall wasn’t a peaceful gathering. It was a riot. This month, be that angry queer that threw the first stone. Don’t be afraid to start a fire, break a window, and throw caution to the wind.
September 23- October 22
Your scales are yet again out of balance, and the spirits are telling us that it all starts with your wardrobe. Get it together, Libra. Please stop buying every bit of rainbow paraphilia you see, cuz big corporations have your pink dollar on lockdown. We get it. You’re a huge bottom who likes to stand out in a crowd. But your glittery flame is flickering so fast you’re giving us all seizures. The rainbow is made up of a spectrum of colors, so pick one or two. You can’t be the whole damn flag.
October 23- November 21
You’re mentally and physically exhausted. You’re trying to figure out how to go to the Dyke March, Dyke March after-party, wake up for Pride, party, and get brunch with the boys before you hit the Dyke Bloc Party in JP. A WOMXN CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH! Take some time to smell the roses and most likely drink some water. Also, you said last Pride you were breaking up with Carol (we’re waiting)
November 22 – December 21
You love to play with fire, and camping season is upon us. It’s also a great way to ask out that hot butch you’ve seen fixing the espresso machine at Diesel. Brenda warned you not to date a Leo (seriously what does Brenda know?) but you can’t resist the potential explosion.
December 22 – January 19
You’re power-bottoming your way through metro Boston and we applaud you. Your bubbly personality and thirst for meeting new people and experiences can’t be quenched. Take this month to try something new.
Jan. 20- Feb 18
“I woke up with a torn a**hole and now I know who my real friends are.” These were the haunting last words of our Aquarius spirit friend, Randy. Listen, we all know that Aquarius is ruled by Uranus but this pride let someone else’s anus rule you! Randy says to take heed: CONSENT IS KEY, but so is lube so get slippery and Astroglide into those planets, you know?
Feb 19 – Mar 20
You’ve not been very proud lately. Maybe you should start your own parade called Shame. We are being facetious. No one wants to march down Boylston Street blaring Smiths B-sides with banners that say “I Don’t Care” or “It Doesn’t Get Better.” Prove your Catholic Republican uncle wrong. You are not “going to live a miserable life of sin and never find happiness.” Don’t worry, we have a witch spell for him. Make today the day it gets better.
meet your mystics:
Mistress Crystal Ball aka Coco Roy is a local artist and musician. She has been a long time contributor to the compass and a even longer collaborator with Casey Spec.
The post WITCH SIGN ARE YOU? HOROSCOPES FROM MADEMOISELLE CASSANDRA SPEC AND MISTRESS CRYSTAL BALL appeared first on BOSTON HASSLE.Boston Hassle https://bostonhassle.com/?p=2206043